Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
