it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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