He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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