1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
