I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
