We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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