my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
