bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
