I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
