If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
