i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
