Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
