Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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