How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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