Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
