Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
