i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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