Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
