Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
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He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
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Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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