I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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