dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
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officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
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I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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