I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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