if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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