so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
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just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
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I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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