i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
