Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
