and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
