There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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