Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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