Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
