Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
