i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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