I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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