Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
