Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
