Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
