Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
