i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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