Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
