And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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