My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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