hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The uberlube is also flammable
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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