i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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