i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
