24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
