So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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