Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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