she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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