when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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