This is not my ceiling
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
