I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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