Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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