Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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