I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
