i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
