Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
