I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
