guys are only as good as the porn they watch
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
