Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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