He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just want nice things and good sex
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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