Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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